Her Pain

They stood in her bedroom, it was nighttime and the hearth in her room was filled with the sounds of a roaring fire. The room was cast in warm light but all either of them felt was cold and the pounding of their heads from on-coming headaches. To their right was a desk, the surface covered with a mound of papers, letters in fact, letters from him to her. She stood in front of the fireplace, her back to the flames with her arms cradling each other at the front of her body. She smiled softly at him, it was a smile that he was familiar with. In the past, whenever they were together, she would always have that same smile on her face. He had asked her about it once before, asked why she always smiled when she was around him. Her response was a simple and somewhat shocked statement of how happy she was to be around him that she couldn’t help it. But why now, of all times, after they had just finished yelling at each other?


They didn’t care how loud they had been, didn’t care if the servants or her family and friends heard them. They just wanted to be heard over each other, for the other to hear what they were trying to say. Eventually she had taken over the argument and her booming voice was the only one to echo across the room. She subtly dared him to try and interject on what she was shouting at him for, on what she was saying. She had spilled it all out in front of him, how she found out, what she did after she found out ,and what she thought he could do with his position and where it could be shoved. However, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling back at her, perhaps in the end she would forgive him?


Looking over at the letters littering the surface of her desk, for a brief moment she became lost in thought. Soon enough, she broke free of her inner thoughts and looked back at him and began to speak in a calm, even happy tone of voice.


“You want to know something Termonious? I’ve saved every letter that you’ve written to me, every single one, even the ones from when we were kids.” She closed her eyes as she spoke, her smile growing soft as the memories flooded her mind.


“I’ve saved them all because reading them always made me happy, they made me feel as though you were right here beside me. They made me feel special, loved and treasured. But your first letter has meant so much to me that it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about.” She chuckled at the statement, earning a soft chuckle from him as well.


Then her smile dropped and at the sight, so did his, what could have changed her mood so suddenly again? Looking to the side, her brows knitted together in deep thought, he didn’t dare attempt to say a word.


“Katherine actually said something to me after a year of us sending letters to each other. She said to be careful with you, she said that you might hurt me. I guess she was worried that you would end up breaking my heart.” She said, a sad smile briefly following the sentence as she turned her head back to him, the smile fading into a solemn frown.


“Honestly, I thought that she was just joking around because what reason would you have to hurt me. I couldn’t think of you hurting me, at least not like I thought she had meant.”


Turning her body to face her desk, she stared at the letters that were gathered in a pile atop of the hardwood. She made her way over to it, laying her palms flat on the corners and baring down on the balls of her hands. With a soft sigh and a forlorn gleam in her eyes, she picked up one of the letters from the pile. These letters were from a better time, a time when he loved her and when she loved him. But now, what did they mean to her? What significance did they have in her life now that she has begun to move on from him and the heartbreak that he has caused her? She unfolded the aged paper, the pages crinkled and frayed from the time that had passed and from how often she read them. This was his first letter to her, the one that had meant the most to her. This was where it all began, wasn’t it? Her feelings for him spawned from this letter and only grew as time went on. But how could she ever forgive him for what he had done?


For several minutes she just stood there, reading over the contents of the two pages that brought her so much joy when she was younger. She felt nothing while reading it now, the words only rang hollow to her still bleeding heart. After leaving the room in silence with the sound of the crackling of the wood in the fireplace being the only noise filling the void, she finally spoke.


“I’ve read over these letters so many times Termonious, even when I just returned home I had to read them. But why? To convince myself that you still loved me? To figure out if you ever hinted at your waning feelings for me?” Her throat felt tight as she talked, the feeling of tears trying to form prickling her eyes.


He could only stare at her for a moment before averting his eyes to look out one of the grand windows of the room. He did not know what to say, so he didn’t say anything at all. What could he even say to make things better for her, that he was sorry? No, an apology would just feel like empty words at this point. Again, her voice broke through the quiet of the room.


“I want to close the book on this part of our lives Termonious. I don’t want to dwell on this bullshit any longer, I’ve had enough time on my journey to do just that. Let’s just move on already.”


He didn’t flinch at the underlying frustration lacing her voice as he looked back at her with sad eyes. So this was it? She would never forgive him for this, he should have known as much.


‘Of course she wouldn’t, why would she? You’ve done nothing but cheat and lie to her for ten years, you imbecile.’ Came the small voice of his conscience that resounded within his own mind.


Suddenly, she began to move, making a beeline for the fireplace while folding up the letter in her hand. He watched her as she moved closer and closer, his feet and body following after her with slow steps. She held the letter tight in her hand as she stood directly in front of the fire. Taking a deep breath, she threw the letter into the flames and watched as it was turned to ash. His eyes grew wide at the sight, moving forward and grabbing her wrist in his hand, staring into her sorrow-filled eyes. He caused this, he caused this pain, he caused her heart to break in two. This was his fault. He moved his hand down her arm and around her waist, wrapping his other arm around her waist as well, and pulling her to his chest in a desperate embrace. She struggled against him, eventually breaking free from his grip and he could see the tears running down her cheeks.


The glow of the fire illuminated the two of them as she turned around to face him, the tears continuing to roll down her cheeks. She looked him in the eyes and his heart broke all over again at the words that came out of her mouth.


“Please, let’s just move on from this Termonious. Please…” She said as a sob wracked her form, then another and another. She couldn’t stay strong anymore, her heart was broken and bleeding and she just couldn’t keep it together for any longer. Termonious stared with his mouth slightly agape, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes from the sight. Lowering his head, he bowed and whispered one thing before leaving the room.




“I’m sorry, my lady.”